Dax Diary 14

July 4, 2004

Sunday

5:32 pm

Happy fourth. yesterday I tore down all my pics on my walls. I just want a change. It freaked mom and dad out. Why do they always make it about them? but I kinda regret it because my walls are so blank and they were cool- they pulled to room together. But now I have a blank canvas to do what I want with. so what do I do? So many options! Grr. I'm gonna go work on something. 

5:49 pm

Dax Diary 13

July 3, 2004

Saturday

11:11 am

Okay so last night I got over myself and took a shower ect.. 

Then Dad, Dave, and I went to the drive-in movies. The first one wasn't playing so we totally backtracked and went to one in Newville. It was a lot of fun hanging out with them. Just the three of us was pretty cool. We saw Spiderman 2- very good. Yea well I'm gonna go get dressed and find something productive to do.

11:17 am

Dax Diary 12

July 2, 2004

Friday

3:22 pm

shoot me.

Dax Diary 11

July 1, 2004

Thursday

8:14 pm

Okay so today I did terrible. There's no starting over. I have to keep pushing myself instead of giving up and saying it's okay because tomorrow is another day. You can't act like today never happened. All the yesterdays add up. So if you eat and eat and act like its okay cuz tomorrow is a fresh start- it's not like everything you shoved in your mouth just goes away. I'm not going to get anywhere if I keep "starting over". I have to say, "ok today was bad, so I have to work extra hard tomorrow to make up for it." I have to stop ignoring it. I have to kick my own ass lol. say NO! I WILL NOT FEED YOU, YOU LAZY ASS MOFO! haha. I have to not be so obsessive and like not make it a big deal. Don't let it be the only thing on my mind. Just keep busy and I won't think about not eating because when I do, it makes me obsess over food and I break down. I don't think I should get angry or upset with myself. It only makes me feel less worthy- making me want to eat. I have to tell myself that it's okay- I know I have a problem and I'm going to kick it's ass. hard. I can lose ten pounds by September. And that's what I plan on doing. Like that will be my goal. I think my first goal should be to lose atleast 5 pounds by the end of the month. It will be a birthday present to myself. I am beautiful. Instead of putting a "I AM FAT" sign on my mirror, I'm going to put a "I AM BEAUTIFUL" sign. It's the damn truth. lol. I want to be the best Sarah I can be. 

8:40 pm

Dax Diary 10

June 30, 2004

Wednesday

9:10

Well today is the last day of the month. Hopefully I can gather up all my strength and start spending my days of summer differently- starting tomorrow, since today is basically over. I think I should figure out some kind of schedule for tomorrow so I don't catch myself off guard and end up binging all day, as I usually do, or sitting around staring at the tv or computer. I feel like I'm not really here. Like i"m just a wandering soul watching everyone living. It's weird. It's like I'm not a part of the world; separated. It's a hard feeling to describe, more like impossible. I know I'm not like everyone else. I think I have a very strange, almost eerie way of thinking- like my mind isn't a part of me. It is me- but it's like another person- like I don't know who I am. I just let my hand do the talking. It's like "where are these words coming from?" I just watch my hand move as it writes down these words. I don't know if this is normal. But who really knows what normal is. It's like "these words aren't mine." All my thoughts just appear on paper. It's like I don't even remember writing it- just thinking it. There's no reality when I write. I don't even realize there's a door or what's on the other side. It's like all that there is is in my room. There's no emotion just thoughts. Snap back. not ready yet. what else? hmmm. "All the colors upon leaving will turn grey." snap. Yea so Kelly tells me that she talked to Pete.


Yea. had CATRA again today. I met Julia, Sarah aka Rover, Britney, and Kim. I already knew Hanna from yesterday. I can really see myself being close with them. They just seem very inviting. And like awesome people. It's like I can get away from everything I am to everyone else and just be myself or something close to it with them. So I'm looking forward to that. Yess. Laura was welcomed into the world today. I can't imagine Aunt Sharon as a mother. It's strange. But I'm really happy for her. I wanna see the little sucker soon. Laura Vorce. Yup. 

10:04

Dax Diary 9

June 29, 2004

Tuesday

3:58

I become lazier and lazier every day. Where's all the motivation? I need to get some control. I need to get a life. Start living. Start doing it right. 

4:00

Dax Diary 8

June 28, 2004

Monday

6:50 pm

hello. I don't know what I'm supposed to be writing about. I don't know what I'm feeling or what I'm going to do about it. I sort of feel like crying, but not going to. I want to start over. I want a different life. I want all these things, but I don't know what I need. I need to be happy. I need to know what I'm saying and who's listening. I want to be happy and content with everything. I think I know how to be, but it just doesn't seem good enough. These markings mean nothing to me. They've got to be worth something. All I can do is stare. There's got to be more out there. I want to love someone. I want to find someone who needs to be found. I want someone to find me. I feel lost in unfamiliar territory. 

I'm so confused.

I feel like losing weight could drastically change me into what I'm searching for. I want to be confident, have style, the whole package. Guys like confident girls. Just keep looking ahead, I guess. 

"I'm falling out of grace with the world / they say I've lost my midas touch what turned to gold now turns to rust..."

'falling out'

-Relient K

Dax Diary 7

December 25, 2003

This is my December...

Last night turned out to be a lot of fun. We went to see Elf, went to mass, and went to sweetlights instead of driving thru Hershey. We woke up around 5:30 this morning, the usual Christmas awakening. If that made any sense? I got three sweaters, two tee shirts, and two pairs of pajama pants that I picked out. I got Linkin Park Live in Texas (Yay!), Pirates of the Carribean, and Aunt Sharon got me the first Saddle Club movie. I though those were for younger people, but I'll check it out. My mom got me a manicure/pedicure kit, make-up jewelry, an alarm clock, a watch, a phone, and a straightener/crimper. It's just like the one Kelly has. I'm getting the Yellowcard cd from Gabby and I'm getting a bit anxious! I want it! Haw haw. I get it tomorrow! Yay! I'm so happy! But moving on to more important topics...

WGAL8 interviewed us about dad being away for the holidays. I gave all these bad answers. But I think I looked pretty, so maybe AMC guy will see it and fall inlove with me if he hasn't already. So the next time we go to the movies, he'll be behind the counter and hand me my popcorn and Icee and his hand will touch mine and I'll look up and he'll be looking at me and then I'll look into his eyes and he'll look into mine and he'll ask my name and I'll tell him and he'll ask me to wait after my movie so he could talk to me and I will and we'll hit it off and he'll ask for my screenname and we'll talk online and get really close and go to movies cuz he gets discounts and one night we'll be in the theatre... no outside in the side parking lot and we'll be talking and I'll be leaning on the wall and he'll kiss me and I'll kiss back and he'll ask me out and I'll be like "Duh!" and he'll laugh and I'll laugh and then he'll take my hand and we'll run into the theatre and go to the movie. It'll be great. I have a long way to go because I don't even know his name. But anyways---------------the whole tv thing

{holy run-on sentences!}

Dax Diary 6

December 24, 2003

Some Christmas Eve we're having. Me and my brothers are yelling at each other, my mom's pissed off because Aaron and Dave are being jackasses, and I like broke my mom's cell phone by accident so now she's mad at me. My dad called so I was talking to him when all this happened. He told me to try to bring out the joy, not the craziness and negativity. A bit tough considering everyone's in a pissy mood. Besides that, all that's going on is stuffing my face with cookies. Oh they're so goood! I have to control myself. Temptation! Mwahahaha!! Well I'm feeling better. It's not so hecktic at the moment. A bit too quiet. That's probably why I have my cd player on. And plus, music helps me think. Weird I know. w/e. Merry Christmas!! And a Happy New Year! ... kinda ahead of myself on that one. I'm writing very sloppy. sorry. Yea.......................

Dax Diary 5

12-20-03

Sure has been a while. The thought of the day is trying to find my "groove". And I think it's been found. I'm pretty content with what I am and who/what I like and dislike. But what I can't believe is that I used to think I was cool because a certain person was talking to me or that they were my friend. That just because I liked a certain type of music, I had to ask everyone else what they listened to and brag about it. Like everyone had to know. But I'm glad that's over. So, if anyone asks what I listen to, I don't know what to tell them because I don't listen to just one kind of music. Music is about expressing yourself. You can't feel just one feeling all the time. That's just how I feel about it. So, whatever I'm feeling at the moment is what I want to listen to. But everyone is different, so I can't say anything accurate about that. And another thing that peeves me is how people think they are above you. Like you don't matter. Ok, good for you if you have nice clothes. Not everyone has enough money to have the finer things in life. I would know. Good for you if you have more friends. Most of them probably aren't worth it. They won't be there to catch you. If you spend most of your time talking about them behind their backs, what kind of friend are you? You don't deserve any friends if you don't know what friends are for. They aren't possessions. They are companions. Good for you if you have a nice body. God made us all different. We all can't be a size 3. What kind of world would we live in if everyone looked the same? Besides the fact that you couldn't make fun of somebody for being different, it would be boring and dull. I don't get how being the size of a toothpick is attractive. What's so wrong with having some curves? And what's going on with the clothes? They're all tight and cut so your butt crack sticks out and your belly is showing. Tell me how that's comfortable. And all these tv shows about the "Fabulous Life of Britney Spears". Why do I care? AHH! I don't know what else to say... You're not better than me, or anyone. If all you do is bring other people down to make you feel better, then you're the one below everyone. 

And I don't care what you think about me because I have thoughts about people to. I know who I am and what I do so you can't talk for me.

DONE. 

Dax Diary 4

12-9-01

Dear journal,

I know I wrote about this before, but I want to write about it again: I have to loose weight! And this time I think it will work. I'm going to try harder this time. 

Dax Diary 3

December 9, 2001

Dear journal,

I had a good weekend. On Friday I went home with Brittany for her b-day sleepover. That night we did a lot of fun stuff. On Saturday I left Britt's house and went to Gabrielle's house to work on our Egyptian project. We got a lot of that done too. And then on Sunday (today) we went to Dad's military Christmas party. It all went well except for the end. Dave wanted what Aaron got as a gift. And because of that mom got mad and now mom and dad are "talking" they call it. I just hope all goes well. 

Dax Diary 2

October 3, 2001

Dear journal,

I really want to loose some weight. The problem is that I have no will power to diet or exercise. I've told my self over and over again what I can do to drop these pounds, and I bet that they would all work real well, but I just can't get the hang of it. I don't want to be the heaviest of the three of us anymore. I hate being the fattest. If I had one wish I wouldn't wish for money, or clothes, or stuff like that, I would wish to be thin. Just an ordinary regular sized girl. I could do the rest on my own. 

Dax Diary 1

4-23-01

Dear journal,

I mean I know there's cruel people out there I just never knew my dad was one of them.

Sarah

Even though I said I hate my dad I really love him it's just he can make me so mad by the way he treats us. And this time he's gone a little too far!

Sarah

I mean I always thought our family was special because of all our "quality time". Well, I guess I was totally wrong. All our family is good at is arguing and be crued and groteskt to eachother. This hole thing started because my mom asked my dad to take out the garbage. I guess he thought she meant us.

Sarah

Okay all that stuff that I wrote about was just because I was mad. Our family is special and different and thats good enough for me. 

Sarah