Dax Diary 11

July 1, 2004

Thursday

8:14 pm

Okay so today I did terrible. There's no starting over. I have to keep pushing myself instead of giving up and saying it's okay because tomorrow is another day. You can't act like today never happened. All the yesterdays add up. So if you eat and eat and act like its okay cuz tomorrow is a fresh start- it's not like everything you shoved in your mouth just goes away. I'm not going to get anywhere if I keep "starting over". I have to say, "ok today was bad, so I have to work extra hard tomorrow to make up for it." I have to stop ignoring it. I have to kick my own ass lol. say NO! I WILL NOT FEED YOU, YOU LAZY ASS MOFO! haha. I have to not be so obsessive and like not make it a big deal. Don't let it be the only thing on my mind. Just keep busy and I won't think about not eating because when I do, it makes me obsess over food and I break down. I don't think I should get angry or upset with myself. It only makes me feel less worthy- making me want to eat. I have to tell myself that it's okay- I know I have a problem and I'm going to kick it's ass. hard. I can lose ten pounds by September. And that's what I plan on doing. Like that will be my goal. I think my first goal should be to lose atleast 5 pounds by the end of the month. It will be a birthday present to myself. I am beautiful. Instead of putting a "I AM FAT" sign on my mirror, I'm going to put a "I AM BEAUTIFUL" sign. It's the damn truth. lol. I want to be the best Sarah I can be. 

8:40 pm