Thinking.

I've been thinking...

Last night was interesting. I haven't felt that overwhelmed in a while. Not so much overwhelmed in the sense that I was emotionally unstable, but just overwhelmed with the desire to write it out. I pounded away at my keyboard like there was no tomorrow. It felt good. Really good.

Hint, hint, right? I think I have finally found something that I know for certain.

It's a leap, it's a bon jovi song, it's like woah, but it's a gut feeling...

I know what I want to do with my life. I want to write. I'll write anything and everything. Because it makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I have some sort of purpose. My heart fills when I'm writing something, my mind is on fire and my fingers move across the keyboard, regardless of what it is. It doesn't matter if I'm writing about my feelings, an english paper, or signing a birthday card.

I can't describe the sensation, but it's a rare feeling that only comes across when something big is about to happen. I felt it when I loved someone. I feel it right now. A deep, sunken feeling in the pit of my chest. I have to listen to that. Writing provides confidence, a trait I lack most of the time. I feel powerful with a pen in my hand.

Even if I never amount to anything, even if no one wants to read what I put out there, I'm going to give it my best shot.

The realization is surprising, but I'm going to run with it. I'm going to work at it, put effort into it. Because what am I waiting for?

.........

I write letters to my father's uncle who lives in Colorado. He's 76 and the closest thing to my Grandfather I'll ever know. An authentic cowboy to the bone. Yesterday I received a reply. Nothing out of the ordinary, he wrote about the weather, about our visit over the summer, and the usual snippets of advice. But there was something he said that smacked me in the face:

"Your letters have a touch & a flair.

I think you should consider writing in your future."

huzzah.

He went on to say, "I still believe you should go right on and get a Masters degree. You could use your writing skills in getting your Masters degree. I wouldn't worry yet about what subjects or fields but keep in mind you could put that skill to work in many different ways."

Which brings up another matter of consideration. School.

This past weekend I went home to see my dad (yay!) and had a revealing conversation with my mom. She could tell there was something off about me, so she asked, and then the flood gates opened. I wasn't really aware I was feeling the way I felt until I had an opportunity to think out loud and just say what I thought in the moment, no time to sit and reconsider. I said that I don't think I'm happy with where I'm at. I'm aware that it may be a "the grass is always greener" scenario, but a city school seems much more appealing. Don't get me wrong, I think IUP is a good school, but it just isn't providing me with the college experience I would like to have. You could say that you have to make your own experience wherever you go, and I agree with that, but nothing here gets me excited. I need to get out and see things. I need to go places. And you can only see so much or go so many places in Indiana before there's nothing left. Drinking is fine and all, but I never want to become a person who considers an entire weekend being wasted a successful one. If that's your thing, good for you. Nothing the matter with that. But it's not for me. I'll go out sometimes, but every single weekend? No thanks. Having time to really think about things, I'm not going to keep trying to be someone I'm not.

I just need more.

We'll see.