I can't sleep.

Thoughts just stream through my consciousness like an incessant fly circling my ears, never ceasing. I swat and I swat, but it keeps coming back. Circling and circling and buzzing and buzzing. Just shuuuuut uuuup already! I try to count sheep, or just count backwards. "100, 99, 98, 97, 96...." I heard that helps... obviously not. I probably reached "50" before I jumped out of bed and opened my laptop. My bed isn't comfortable, my back hurts, my brain won't shut up. I'm tired, but sleep is teasing me. Tonight I don't even have a valid reason for being up late. My homework is finished... I even read a book for pleasure, something I haven't been able to do since summer. Reading this late usually makes me tired. I could have finished the book if I wanted to, but I figured I needed my sleep. Ha.

The lack of sleep isn't likely from stress because I finally finished the work that had been lagging along behind me. Dead weight. It took three weeks, but I'm finally caught up. So now, all I can think about is everything.

I think about what I don't have.

I think about what I do have.

I think about what I would like to have.

I think about who I would like to be.

I think about God.

I think about love.

I think about lust.

I think about the future.

I'm frustrated, caught in between what I recognize and what is foreign. But the tricky part is realizing which is which. What am I looking for? What am I craving? Because I am definitely craving something. Do I need religion? Do I need to transfer? Do I need to exercise? It's so clouded, I just want something to be clear cut and obvious for once. I'm tired of second guessing or just not knowing. Because I don't know. I don't know anything.

I want something real. Something solid. Something definite.

Proof. Evidence.

Evidence of anything. Anything that I can know. I just want to know.

I just want to go to sleep so I can wake up and feel the slightest inkling of motivation.

Goodnight.