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Where to begin?
Well. How about right here.

My chest is heavy. Baggage. My emotions are high voltage, scattered and frayed. Wired. And yet, calm. I have been hit with an over load of information today. I'm conflicted, upset, and scared. But, strangely optimistic. Or, rather, I've just come to terms with the reality of it all. This misplaced optimism may be attributed to finally completing Harry Potter, to having things to work on, or to finding some sliver of faith in myself that I had been missing lately. Obscured. Distorted within the reflection of a dirty and unkempt mirror. But now I can see a little more clearly, my sleeve bearing the dust that I managed to smear off.

But first, the downers:

1. My Dad's orders were cancelled. He's not going to Kentucky.
2. I don't know who I'm living with this semester.

1+ 2 = panic. Everything is upside down. Backwards. Wrong. This wasn't supposed to happen- but it did. So here I am, sitting on my bed, staring at the screen, and wondering what the hell I'm trying to say. I'm saying that my life has taken a serious turn- meaning that I need to start getting serious.

Money has become a serious issue. My Dad is forfeiting some things in order to pay our tuition, he won't have an income like they were planning on, and I feel utterly jolted. My parents keep reassuring me that I don't need to worry, that it's not my problem, but how can I not? Stability is so important to me, something that I've been waiting for... something that I thought I had now.
I'm happy that my Dad is not leaving, believe me I'm more than happy. But the plan... ah, yes the plan.

I feel like so many plans have been made. None of which seem to be following through. Plans that I made for myself, plans that I made with other people. Agreements. Promises. I've learned, unfortunately, that I can't rely on anyone but myself. More than anything, I'm disappointed.

My head is buzzing. I feel like I need to vent and get all of this off of my chest, but I don't exactly know how I'm feeling. Am I angry? yes. I would say so. I understand the actions that have been taken and can somewhat sympathize. But I'm still pissed as hell. Pissed because I don't like being left alone. Because that's how I feel- Alone.

And I know it's my fault.

I have this uncanny talent of alienating people. Alienating myself, really. I wish I was able to exert this much effort into something more worthwhile or productive.

On the upside:

... still figuring that out.

On the upside, I have to learn to rely fully on myself. I just really don't want to.




Also, I've realized that every time I seem to come across this thing, I'm always fleshing out some variation of emotional turmoil. But that's just kind of been my life lately. Things will hopefully perk up soon.

Yep.