I have hit the wall.
I just wasted an hour and ten minutes of my life sitting in a class room for a presentation that I thought would provide me with some insight and direction for a career.
Nope.
I went in to this meeting assuming it was for English majors who needed to know what opportunities exist beyond graduation; essentially I wanted someone to tell me what I can do with my degree, to tell me that this major isn't a load of crap. Well, I'm starting to think that it is.
The whole experience has grounded me. Stomped me flat. I am a pancake. It's brought to my attention that I have NO plans for the future and also no desire to make any. NONE. I don't want to think about applying to Grad school or jobs, creating resumes and cover letters, brown nosing my way through interviews, getting a job for the sake of having a job.
I honestly don't feel like I even have qualifications... for anything! The only thing I am actually good at is being a complete introvert/hermit and getting good grades.
Right now I just don't see how any of this will get me anywhere.
Let's think about this.
I like to write, but I'm not an insanely creative person. I write well- I'd say I'm very good at presenting ideas and information professionally/fluently/organized-ly (ha). So- I could find a job where I write for people. Organize information, do research, put things together. I could even write for a newspaper?
But:
this would place me in an office environment, which is the last place I want to be.
I don't want to work for anyone but myself. This might be somewhat of an issue...
I basically feel that I have no direction. That I'm here (in school. in life.) just to be here. That I'm studying things that I find interesting now, things that may not be of any worth in the future. I can honestly say that I'm not particularly passionate about anything I've studied so far. I think some of what I'm learning is interesting, but nothing excites me.
If someone were to ask me what my interests are, I wouldn't know how to answer them. I like to read, but I'm not an avid reader. I like to write, but I'm not pumping out writing. I like music, but I'm not a know-it-all music fiend and I also don't play any instruments. I like art, but I'm no artist. I like paranormal things, but I'm too scared to actually place myself in situations where I might actually experience something. So where does that leave me? I'm interested in a multitude of things, but I'm not particularly focused on any of them.
Tonight I thought about maybe switching my concentration to Pre-Law. One thing that I know I care about is social issues. Social equality, human rights, Pro-Life issues, etc. I really enjoy community service and helping others in any way that I can... so there's a start. But do I want to be a lawyer?
My main concern is that I don't want to forfeit my life and how I want to live for something that is expected of me. To do things according to the cookie cutter formats. i.e. go to college, get a "real job", get a mortgage... work away my youth in order to have free time when I'm old and decrepit. When I'll be too tired to do anything I've waited my entire life to do. It just doesn't make sense to me.
Maybe I'll drop out and join the Peace Corps.
Sounds good.
Also: as a side note, I'm extremely annoyed with myself and my complete reliance/dependence on the Internet. aka my addiction to Facebook and now Blogger. I check this mother every 5 minutes waiting for someone to update. I check facebook every 5 seconds. It's ridiculous. I should have something better to do with my time. Like live some sort of life? Yeah. Sounds about right.
I need a break.
kbye.
I just wasted an hour and ten minutes of my life sitting in a class room for a presentation that I thought would provide me with some insight and direction for a career.
Nope.
I went in to this meeting assuming it was for English majors who needed to know what opportunities exist beyond graduation; essentially I wanted someone to tell me what I can do with my degree, to tell me that this major isn't a load of crap. Well, I'm starting to think that it is.
The whole experience has grounded me. Stomped me flat. I am a pancake. It's brought to my attention that I have NO plans for the future and also no desire to make any. NONE. I don't want to think about applying to Grad school or jobs, creating resumes and cover letters, brown nosing my way through interviews, getting a job for the sake of having a job.
I honestly don't feel like I even have qualifications... for anything! The only thing I am actually good at is being a complete introvert/hermit and getting good grades.
Right now I just don't see how any of this will get me anywhere.
Let's think about this.
I like to write, but I'm not an insanely creative person. I write well- I'd say I'm very good at presenting ideas and information professionally/fluently/organized-ly (ha). So- I could find a job where I write for people. Organize information, do research, put things together. I could even write for a newspaper?
But:
this would place me in an office environment, which is the last place I want to be.
I don't want to work for anyone but myself. This might be somewhat of an issue...
I basically feel that I have no direction. That I'm here (in school. in life.) just to be here. That I'm studying things that I find interesting now, things that may not be of any worth in the future. I can honestly say that I'm not particularly passionate about anything I've studied so far. I think some of what I'm learning is interesting, but nothing excites me.
If someone were to ask me what my interests are, I wouldn't know how to answer them. I like to read, but I'm not an avid reader. I like to write, but I'm not pumping out writing. I like music, but I'm not a know-it-all music fiend and I also don't play any instruments. I like art, but I'm no artist. I like paranormal things, but I'm too scared to actually place myself in situations where I might actually experience something. So where does that leave me? I'm interested in a multitude of things, but I'm not particularly focused on any of them.
Tonight I thought about maybe switching my concentration to Pre-Law. One thing that I know I care about is social issues. Social equality, human rights, Pro-Life issues, etc. I really enjoy community service and helping others in any way that I can... so there's a start. But do I want to be a lawyer?
My main concern is that I don't want to forfeit my life and how I want to live for something that is expected of me. To do things according to the cookie cutter formats. i.e. go to college, get a "real job", get a mortgage... work away my youth in order to have free time when I'm old and decrepit. When I'll be too tired to do anything I've waited my entire life to do. It just doesn't make sense to me.
Maybe I'll drop out and join the Peace Corps.
Sounds good.
Also: as a side note, I'm extremely annoyed with myself and my complete reliance/dependence on the Internet. aka my addiction to Facebook and now Blogger. I check this mother every 5 minutes waiting for someone to update. I check facebook every 5 seconds. It's ridiculous. I should have something better to do with my time. Like live some sort of life? Yeah. Sounds about right.
I need a break.
kbye.
i hear you on this whole post ladyfriend. i've just come to realize how much i'm getting out of college though that isn't necessarily related to what i'm studying or my social life. i'm absorbing so many new ideas that are causing me to really look at what i believe and how i define myself. i'm growing in all sorts of new directions. college does seem like a placeholder kind of thing at times- something you have to do before you can actually enter the real world, but there are so many things to learn while you're there- things that help you figure out who 'you' really are.
ReplyDeletei miss you jello- you can call me anytime homie. we can voice our shared concerns about the ever-looming future.
u could consider social work. that way u deal with issues... and my aunt always says its rewarding being able to actually see the difference you are making even when it's just helping a few people.
ReplyDeleteplus u can basically do that with any degree under the sun... meaning u can still work on ur writing. and work on that independently.
thirdly: u and i are the same person. i have been soooo up in the air about what i want to do with my life. more recently ive been thinking about how i really want to be an art therapist and how maybe being a teacher might be a waste of time... but i always come back to being practical. and knowing that ultimately, i will make a difference in at least one childs life. and in a way... that keeps me grounded and focused until i become an art therapist.
and remember, no one said we have to stick to one career. ive told my family repeatedly im going to do these two things now for years... and surprisingly, they agree and are really supportive. my dad, who has been a dentist his whole life said he thinks its actually healthier for people to do multiple things. keeps their lives interesting.